You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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