You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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