Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
please come you make the beer taste better
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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