Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
