Define "chronic" masturbator.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
