last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
God I need to hump something, right now.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
