I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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