i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
