I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
