Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My dad just said "fuck circus"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
