is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
