Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Are we in a gay sports bar?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
