where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize