FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
