When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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