my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
