My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
