Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
