I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
foreskin is a definite game changer
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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