My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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