at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
