You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
