So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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