shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
