The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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