I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Randomize
