benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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