when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
