It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
