So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
