i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
