I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
