Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
