I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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