Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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