Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Bring me that man meat
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
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