i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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