And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
