I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
