Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
