Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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