We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
We just shotgunned beers for America
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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