Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
