and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
