I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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