It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Randomize