im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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