You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You are a genius and a whore.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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