Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
