girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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