So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
