dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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