I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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